RPD Interrogation Report, 'ROBLOX Incident'

NOTE: In order to maintain context, ONE: THIS IS FAKE. SHUSH WITH YOUR 'It's impossible for video game characters to be real.' TWO:Quotes like this: " CONTENT " are from the interrogating officer. Quotes like THIS: "' '" are for the subject. THREE: This is a news report to provide some background for the story. FOUR: Yes, the name is misleading, because of all the content that comes after and before. Yes, I'm sorry I got carried away. No, I don't want to refrain from stealing your cookies, and I shall continue to do so.

"Now Bob, I hear you have a story for us down in that industrious small city, Reedsburg. Bob?"

"That's right, Jerry, I have a scoop for the watchers at home. 7-year-old Matt Young has been shot to death by police today in a life saving act by Officer Gordon Harris. Harris was performing a patrol with his partner when he saw the young murderer through a window holding what was estimated to be at the time a large bladed weapon. Before moving in, the brave future sergeant called for backup, and told his partner what he had just seen."

"Please continue, Bob."

"Well, I-"

As Bob begins, a large, Overseer package clad being fires at him with an unknown weapon. His edges are outlined in a bright green glow as he desintegrates. Yells from curious citizens and the camera man are loud in the microphone, and the camera begins shaking as the camera man runs. The camera falls to the ground, upright, facing a citizen as he is dissolved to nothingness. Back in the studio, people are scrambling to find what happened. Channel 70 News cuts the footage, and suddenly, Captain America begins playing. Citizens across the Wisconsin area panic as the footage cuts, and U.S Government officials put out a statement saying nothing happened, and the news report was fictional.

They were lying.

OFFICIAL REEDSBURG POLICE REPORT

Interrogator: Officer James Michaels
"So, mister [WITHHELD], you claim to be a witness of this child murderer?"

"'Officer, I don't simply claim to be a witness. I AM a witness.'"

"Right. And you say you saw the kid with a... excuse me, what did you say to the press?"

"'A laser finger glove. It launched people to the ends of the earth, officer.'"

"...riiight. Alright, pal, I'm gonna go talk with my buddies at management. They'll get right on the laser finger glove."

"' Thanks, officer.'"

[INTERROGATOR WALKS BACK INTO THE BOOTH]

"Cut the recording, he's a nut. I hardly believe-HOLY SHIT!"

[THE WALL FALLS TO PIECES AS A RECTANGULAR ROCKET SLAMS INTO THE WALL; CUBOID BEINGS 'WALK' THROUGH THE OPENING, GRAB THE SUBJECT, AND ASSAULT THE TWO-WAY MIRROR.]

[POLICE OFFICERS ATTEMPT TO CONTROL THE SITUATION FROM OUTSIDE AND INSIDE, BUT ARE KILLED VIA MULTIPLE FORMS OF WEAPONRY.]

Two Weeks Later
{[A STATE OF NATIONAL EMERGENCY HAS BEEN DECLARED. CIVILIANS ARE TO AVOID ANY AND ALL PEOPLE ASSOCIATING THEMSELVES WITH 'ROBLOX,' THE 'ROBLOX CORPORATION,' OR CLAIMING TO HAVE A ROBLOX ACCOUNT. ALL PEOPLE CLAIMING SUCH ARE TO BE CONSIDERED TRAITORS TO THE UNITED STATES, AND SHOT ON SIGHT.]}

{[STAY AWAY FROM ALL CUBOID BEINGS. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ASSIST LAW ENFORCEMENT, THE MILITARY, OR TASK FORCE 917.]}

[Mere hours after this announcement is made, Channel 70 News releases this:]

"Ladies and gentlemen of America. The U.S military is attempting to fight the cuboid menace. Give them help. Give them ammunition, weapons, food, drink, medical treatment. Help in any way possible. Your life may depend on it. Washington D.C has fallen. We are attempting to evacuate through New York City and San Francisco. Nuclear warheads have been launched at key cities in the Midwest. Evacuate if you can. If not, draw them to the following locations:

Madison, Chicago, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Springfield, Detroit, [INSERT LONG LIST OF MAJOR CITIES IN THE MIDWEST.]."

"Thank you for your cooperation. And good luck."

[THIS IS AUDIO RECOVERED FROM(fictional) MARINE UNIT 1221, "HELLHOUNDS" RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES.]

"Field duty log nine. This is Corporal Victor Mathaugen. French support arrived today. They brought supplies, ammunition, and, most importantly, armored and air support. We can't hold them much longer. They might not have those disintegration guns anymore, but the Hand Lasers and their vehicles are deadly. For a brief summary of what's caused the most losses, see Tron."

"My rifle broke today; it was hit directly by a Laser Launcher and went flying into a brick wall. If the laser didn't kill it, the 90 miles an hour impact with some very stiff bricks did. The French loaned me another gun, but I have no idea what the optimal strategy with this thing is."

"Unit kill count for the week is 400 so far, because of our little escapade at Las Vegas. 30 'pilots' killed, 21 total vehicles commandeered or destroyed. Gotta say, these guys know how to make a motorcycle."

"Will write home soon. Might send this audio log. We're pinned down though, so-"

[At around 2:01, a large amount of gunfire is heard close by.]

"Shit, that's my cue. End log in-"

[An explosion rocks the immediate area; from what anylists can make out, the section of the building Corporal Mathaugen was in was hit by an explosive. Gunfire, screams, and what can only be the death cry of the cuboid creatures are heard for about 3 minutes before the audio log capacity is reached, and the recording stops automatically. Corporal Mathaugen survived the ordeal, but lost his left arm in the process.]

ANNOUNCEMENT BY DOCTOR HAROLD GREEN
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I have isolated what the cuboid monstrosities are. They have an uncanny correlation to 'ROBLOXians' from the same gaming platform. [THE REST WAS DOCTOR GREEN EXPLAINING THIS TO A RATHER STUPID PERSON.]

ANNOUNCEMENT BY THE UNITED NATIONS
The war has been lost. The U.S, Canada, Mexico, and Central America have been conquered by the New Robloxian Union. All humans in those areas have been enslaved. The world's armies are attempting to fight. All civilians are to report to your nearest bomb shelter, or assist the military. Good luck, and may God's love be with you.