Having children

Barack Obama loomed over me... He said, "I fucked a potato when I was 14. I got the idea from a radio show and thought that it might feel good. I cut a hole long ways through the middle and used it to jerk off. It wasn't enjoyable at all and I remember the guilt and shame I felt as I snuck a broken, cum covered potato to the side of the house to throw it in the garbage can. It smelled weird as well. I told some friends at school and it became pretty common knowledge, not that I cared. I never really had too much of a problem getting laid in my school years and I think me and that potato taught a lot to each other. Some of the girls who heard about it found it kind of intriguing. Looking back on it that potato was the only thing I've fucked that didn't lie to me and betray me. It was there when I needed it, it didn't talk and performed its duties admirably (though it was a bit cold, rough, and slimy) and it probably would have fed me if I needed it to. And I discarded it like so much flotsam in a sea of mediocrity. I'll pay for this mistake for the rest of my life. Some times at night when I can't fall asleep I still think about you, noble spud. I'm sorry I didn't mash you the way you needed me to, I was young and stupid. Now you're in a landfill and I'm in a bigger, more putrid landfill they call the United States. Maybe on some other life we can, you know..." He then proceeded to hand me a beaten baby that he stole from a trash can. I then said, "I (M, 6’7, 250lbs) repeatedly beat the shit out of my baby sister (F, 2’1, Unweighted) because she hit me and I am a leftist. AITA? Preface: I am a warrior fighting the injustices of modern society (I am a leftist). As you may know, one of the core tenets of leftism is GENDER EQUALITY. This is something that the police will never understand, because they are pursuing me at this moment. POLICE = CONSERVATIVES (this is why they slaughter African Americans). Let me clarify my situation. Yesterday afternoon, I was placed with the burden of babysitting my little sister while my parents were at work (it is the winter holidays). Anyways, I tried to change the diaper on that little shit and she was crying her head off at was triggering my mental condition (I have ADHD) so I grabbed both side of the dumbass’s small ass skull, lifted her into the air and screamed into its earlobe “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!” It was at this moment I made my mistake and got assaulted because I let my facial area get within range of her arms. She whacked me with her full force and smacked my mouth on the upper lip and left a red mark there. It was at this moment my inner leftist spirit grabbed me by the balls and jerked me into activism. I’ve read stories on how assaults on men by women get left uncharged, and how men and women have equal rights. I immediately smashed the baby’s skull into my houses concrete wall, and proceeded to stomp on it until the little fucker until it stopped crying. I then swung it by the legs until it generated enough momentum such that it smashed through my tempered glass window and into the backyard. It was all over by then. The pit bull got to it and ripped the fucker into 40 million shreds and ate it while vultures circled overhead (I live in California). I’ll admit my rightful retaliation was a little uncalled for, but the baby, the female, attacked first in this situation. All my actions were in self defence (imo). AITA?" We then began kissing, and then I got kicked out of the Adopt and Raise a Baby server.