Talk:Welvone/@comment-28527909-20170608003046

Pretty good potential in this story, but there's a few grammatical errors and incorrect punctiation. If I were making a statement such as "In the ROBLOX site of today, he still is player ID 0 but the account has been removed" I would end that with a period rather than with a question mark, because you are stating something, not questioning it. There's a few misplaced words and jumbled logic that makes the reader confused. For instance, I was quite confused when you said Welvone got a heartattack in his sleep but the reason why was unknown. If he got a heartattack in his sleep, isn't that the reason? Unless you were trying to say that the reason which caused the heartattack was unknown, readers will become pretty confused and start to think the pasta is faker than  it should seem. Overall, the idea and concept is pretty nice although there are a few cliches. Keep it up! 6.5/10