Talk:Mega Smasher/@comment-34979284-20180910135041

Analysis:

length: 4/10 too short, even for a roblox creepypasta.

Grammar: wait... *sigh* Anyway, 5.2/10

Spelling: 8/10

Cliche: 7/10

Scariness: 3.5/10

Ok, *sigh*, here I go.

"I was in a school. And i saw something. It was a man, smashing his head against the corner. it was baldi.

So, still smashing his head, i wanted to TOUCH HIM,

but no. Out of curiousity, i touched him, and i was in a strange world, what seemed to be..."

So, BALDI was smashing his head, and you WANTED to touch him, but then you said, "but no."

???

And THEN you touched him out of curiosity AGAIN, and THIS TIME, you got teleported to a strange world. Well, why didn't you get teleported the first time you touched Baldi?

"a tank world? i cant get the screenshot. There were a lot of tanks, they had some sort of abilities. I wasnt a tank. i was a robloxian, still."

So you got teleported to a tank world, cool. Oh wait, the tank game isn't even a game in Roblox... A game in Roblox teleported you to a tank game... ok then. Oh, a screenshot of the tank game! Wait a second... You just said you couldn't take a screenshot, so how did you take a screenshot?

Oh wait, what... "I can't get the screenshot"... Well, first of all, the story was told in the present, but the story itself was in the past... So it should've been, "I COULDN'T get the screenshot."

And what do you mean you couldn't "GET" the screenshot? Do you mean "to take" a screenshot or to... well, "GET" a screenshot. What do you mean?

"A tank with a fire gun burnt me to a crisp. I respawned.

'Then i saw a sword, lying on a rusty, deformed tank. I picked it up.'

'And, a strange sound played. I became a juggernaut tank, and every tank came to me, trying to annihilate me.'  'I noticed i could shoot, so i was destroying them all. On the top, it said this:'

(name) has claimed the first victim

(name) is on the hunt

(name) is enraged

(name) is unstoppable

'And so on. Wait, what was that at the distance? it seemed like a shadow tank."'


 * Sigh*

SO. MANY. GRAMMATICAL. ERRORS.

I'm sorry if you made them on PURPOSE, but if you didn't, then you really need to do something about them.

Let me correct them:

After I respawned, I saw a sword that was lying on a rusty, deformed tank. I picked the sword up out of curiosity, but immediately after, a strange sound played. (And so on...)

"It teleported me to a black hall. I was walking forward, but i went to my robloxian mode.

Far, far away from the spawnpoint, still walking, an electric atom appeared right in my face."

Ok, 3 things there: You were walking forwards after you got teleported, and you, wait a second, you WENT to your robloxian mode? What.

???

The tank game wasn't even in ROBLOX, and apparently, you could TURN into your Robloxian mode?!?? What. Did the tank game teleport you into Roblox, or did you ACTUALLY TURN into a Roblox character in a TANK game... I'm so confused.

Maybe you made it confusing because you wanted it to be funny? Well, It's actually not funny in my opinion. It is hard to understand what is going on in your story.

"I really want to go back to the game i was playing. But it couldnt be possible."

"BUT IT COULDN'T BE POSSIBLE"

So it 'couldn't' be possible. You mean, it WASN'T possible.

Oh, and apparently you WEREN'T playing the tank game anymore. Instead, you were suddenly playing ROBLOX. Maybe that's what you meant with the ROBLOXIAN mode, but you didn't specify. Oh, and there is MUCH, MUCH more.

4.8/10

No offense, but that's just my rating. Please don't hate me, I'm just saying, that this creepypasta doesn't really fit my taste.